I haven’t been on tumblr that much because of the lost of interest however i’ve been dealing with an awful lot in my life & it really does make a major difference when i get on tumblr and just blog and relieve all of my stress so i’m just going to vent .
Just a week and 3 day’s ago thing’s got a little REAL for me and it seem’s almost as if life hit’s me in the face. I started to realize a lot of thing’s i never noticed before and recognize the root to all my personal issues going on .
I am actually now currently punished and shouldn’t be nor have access to internet how ever i am sneaking. The reason i’m punished is because after months of non stop partying, drinking and smoking my parents found out as well as all the other behaviors that were unusual to them such as sneaking out, skipping school, not checking in for days etc. so they decided to punish me which is reasonable and in a way i’m glad because i’ve been to myself and when i’m alone i think, i think about everything from the accomplishments in my life to all the ongoing and current drama and negativity and lately when alone i’ve been thinking of the answer to the very question my parents asked me prior to my punishment which was “What is the problem, why are you all of a sudden behaving this way ?” and the more and more i think the more and more i realize why i’ve been being so wild and rebellious but the most important and accurate factor remains that i’m lost, confused & most of all hurt. About 3 months ago i was talking to someone, someone that was very very special to me, someone that made me smile when i didn’t have an ounce of happiness in me, someone who meant the world to me. Before this i had never been in love i didn’t know what the feeling was like, i could remember me having arguments with friends because of the dramatic change in there actions, personality and decisions due to the presence of there lover and when i met this person it was all new to me, it was a new feeling, a good feeling. With all that being said let me now mention that along with not knowing the feeling of love i also didn’t know the feeling of heartbreak, i didn’t know the feeling of giving your all to a person and letting one become your only and whole happiness and having them betray you and hurt you and having all that happiness go straight down the drain .
But now i know.
I tell myself everyday that the love will return, that it’ll come back and that maybe thing’s will change. I tell myself everyday that i do not love this person anymore and that i’m better off with out them. I ask myself every day where i went wrong and why i wasn’t good enough for them to stay and continue loving me and what hurts more then anything is that at one point in my life i thought that person would never hurt me, i thought that person would always be there and that they actually became the root to all my pain and all my issues and complications. I was once a person who believed that nothing lasted forever and when i met this person and when they took my heart all those morals instantly went out the window and my focus became making them forever but all in the same note i was s lo oblivious to the fact that the reasoning of the morals exiting my mind was because of another person and beforehand i would have never let a person change my morals or beliefs and all of a sudden everything snuck up on me so fast, so hard and so sudden. All this love had taken over me and the moment i let my guard down i also let everything else down along with it. I never once even thought for a moment that i would fall for this person i speak of not because they were a bad person, not because of there appearance or any of that but because of this person who this person and because i never had felt this way for a person of that sort it was different for me, a new feel. The instant i got the message and i seen the proof it literally felt as if my heart was torn from my chest, thrown to the ground and stomped i felt sick, i didn’t want to eat, i didn’t want to speak to anybody except for that person even after all that they had put me through they were all i wanted, i didn’t even want to live if i’m going to be honest. I lost control, the only way i could get away from all this pain was if i was under the influence of some kind of mind altering substance, I didn’t care about anything any more i became numb and with all the partying i was doing i still felt so alone even though i was around people 24/7 . It first started out with only alcohol and then when that wasn’t enough i got into marijuana and then when that wasn’t enough i started experimenting with other drugs (nothing major such as cocaine, heroin, PCP etc.) but i did do my fair share of drugs & it was all to get away form this illing pain it was so bad that it started to take a toll on my physically i had lost about 12 pounds 2 week’s after our departure and all of my friends began telling me i looked drain and sick. It was just an over all traumatic and sever experience for me. Til this day i still ask myself those questions and i still hope that thing’s will change and i still LOVE that person. However at this point and time i’m coming back to reality as well and trying to deal with the situation and realize that it is what it is and over time i will no longer feel this way and accept it. My broken heart is recovering and also i will remember to never fall in love again & if it accidently happens again i promise to never let my morals go and to keep my guard up the whole time and not let one person become my whole and complete happiness again .
falling inlove with someone in a relationship is not a good thing to do . .
it sucks that no matter what i do, i will never be able to have you at least not now, & now is when i want you the most. it feels absolutely horrible to know that i’ll never be able to compete with him . . i mean i can’t lie he treats you great, but if i ever had the chance i would try my best to do better, i’d get a summer job and buy all the things he buy’s for you and even more. i have a tendency to be hardheaded and stubborn but babe i listen to you, i wanna do what you say b/c i know it makes you happy . . and you just had to live next door too, didn’t you, so now i’m stuck with seeing you with him everyday & it hurts so bad, everyday i hear his car come down the street i look out the window just to see you, and you look so happy & i would never want to ruin that, that’s why i’m going to leave you alone b/c that’s what’s right but i’ll never stop loving you <3
I cannot stand these egotistical bastards on tumblr who reach 10,000 followers and all of a sudden get a conspiracy that everybody in the motherfucking universe loves them. It blows my mind how someone can go from being so genuine and so sweet to a self-consumed, thoughtless, egomaniac ! just because you have a bunch of followers and are receiving endless amounts of messages doesn’t make you famous and it damn sure doesn’t make you better then anybody else on here ! so slow your roll cause half you so called “tumblr famous” people are letting your arrogance and pride eat away at you, i mean last time i checked nobody on this bitch was chillen with j-lo or motherfucking rihanna in V.I.P no where, in anybody’s club so just cut the act, tumblr isn’t about the followers, it’s about self expression and being able to be yourself and get away virtually without being judged or tormented for who you are. Half of the people on here that are considered to be tumblr famous have no purpose, since when did having a pretty face make you famous ? b/c fame doesn’t come all that easy look at beyonce and chris brown they’re famous for there talent, all i’m saying is i’d rather give credit to a person who has the ability and potential to do something extraordinary even if there looks aren’t all that great then try and impress a stuck up snobby somebody who’s so shallow that all they care about is what’s on the outside nobody like that deserves to be called “tumblr famous” or any kind of famous nobody like that deserves a fan base or any of that b/c it’s not deserved. I personally love logging on to tumblr b/c i do have a group of people that love me and i love them just as much as they love me back, and it’s wild b/c they don’t even know all the cool things i can do, and they don’t know what materialistic things i do and don’t have all they know is me and who i am and they love me for that and there’s nothing more i could ask for then that, that’s what tumblrs about but sadly many people take the beauty and the fun of it out and try to make everything about themselves and it’s all just a competition of “let me see how many people i can get to love me today” that’s not what any of this is about and i wish people would see that .
we can have a big old endless talk and get to know eachother (:
DO NOT , DOOOOOO NOT ! TRY TO FOLLOW ME . . GET ME TO FOLLOW YOU & THEN TRY AND UNFOLLOW ME LIKE I’M NOT GONNA KNOW I’VE GOT AN APP THAT ALLOWS ME TO BECOME AWARE OF YOU DUMB FUCKS THAT TRY AND DO THAT -_- NICE TRY .